“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
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I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Respect
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.