The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
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A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.