This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
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I would give up shouting at trees for you.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.