*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??