“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
i want the dreams to chase me for once
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect