I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
You Might Also Like
if my sleeping schedule was a person
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Hard not to take this personally
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.