FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
secret recipe
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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