Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
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FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Autocorrect completely socks
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.