My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
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IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
need a new bf mines broken 😐
For anyone who needs this today
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.