2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?