*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
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[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
oh shit
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve