You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
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watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…