you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
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My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.