My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
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I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .