me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Classic German Shepherd 😂
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.