how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE