Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
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I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
very niche meme I made
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
when dads have a rap battle
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.