“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I have no passwords left in me
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.