Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
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[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”