*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
FINE, I WON’T.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.