Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
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*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :