My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
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Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
@funTweeters
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“OMGJK” -atheists
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.