“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
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To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
he looks great for his age
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy