my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
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“A little help here, Danny?”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
tourist season
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.