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follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless