The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My whole life was a lie.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?