One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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Yup
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.