[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
set yourself free xox
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
good let them take over I have had enough
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO