Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
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mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.