Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.