Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut