My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
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Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
White Castle for the Win
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Sorry. Not sorry