coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
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California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude