You Might Also Like
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.