I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
You Might Also Like
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I put the p in pants.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”