Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
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me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Who does Amazon think I am?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died