whelp that’s enough instagram for today
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The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things