Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
multitasking lunch
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
PLOT TWIST:
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?