[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
couldn’t resist
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes