“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.