when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
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I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”