My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.