Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
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AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah