I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
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[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
where do you see yourself in five years?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car