My first child will be named New Folder.
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“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
It’s a gift
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.