It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
The internet is full of many things
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
My dog ate my work from home.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*