My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
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*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken