IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
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HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
#dalle2
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…