In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
The human personality is made of five key elements
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!