Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
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*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.